Captain's Log
by Guiltipleasures
Summary: An Egyptian teenager feels the need to keep a record of his misadventures while on his quest for vengeance, jewelry, and children's trading cards. Rated T for language. Contains traces of thiefshipping, psychoshipping, and nuts. Mostly nuts.


**Got bored. Decided to write something stupid.**

**Actually, I read "In Which I Take Over the World" by scrambled-eggs-at-midnight, and then this happened. I would recommend the fic, if it weren't for the fact that it's incomplete and, along with everything else by her, hasn't been updated in two years and probably will never be finished. It was really funny. Probably funnier than this will be. But it's what inspired me to write this.**

**This kind of turned into a parody? Ish? Some of the events in the beginning are out of order, and Marik is very OOC. And possibly ADD. Or he may just be stupid. And Yami Marik is really . . . erhm. Cough. You'll see.**

**Pretty sure this is crack. *Glances down at story* Yup, this is crack.**

* * *

"Captain's Log"

Greetings! My name is Marik Ishtar, but you can call me . . .

Actually, you won't be calling me anything. Because you're a book. But if you weren't a book I would tell you to call me Malik. I think it suits me better than Marik.

I tried to get Odion to call me Malik, but he keeps forgetting to do that. Idiot.

Malik means "king". Or something like that. I don't really remember, but I liked it. I don't know what the hell Marik means.

Anyway, the whole reason I'm writing in this is because—get this—I'm on a boat! A BOAT.

Boats are friggin' sexy.

Seriously, a guy just has to stand on a boat to automatically appear rugged and manly.

I wonder why that is.

Pirates?

OH! I want to be a pirate!

That would be so cool.

Wait, I was telling you something important.

Right. Henceforth, this shall be my Captain's Log. Because I am on a boat.

And it doesn't matter whether or not I actually know how to sail, _Odion!_ I'm the one in charge here, and that makes me the captain! And I must record the thrilling tales of my adventures at sea as I sail to Domino City and my victory! Muahahahaha!

The evil laugh that I've perfected isn't as effectual on paper, but trust me when I say that it is damn intimidating. When you actually hear it.

. . .

Captain's Log. Day 1 of Evil Conquest.

Yeah, nothing's really happened yet. I'm still on the boat.

Well, I did find out about this Duel Monsters tournament called "Battle City" going on.

This is perfect! This tournament is just the roundabout method for revenge I was hoping for. I shall enter this "Battle City" and humiliate the Pharaoh in a card game, destroying all of his dignity, and then I will . . . something. Probably kill him.

Perhaps I should make an outline. Not like I have anything else to do on this friggin' boat.

. . .

Captain's Log. Still Day 1.

I ordered my minions to hack into KaibaCorp's computer system and enter us in the Battle City Tournament. Because their security is CRAP for a multi-million dollar corporation. And no one will notice the extra fifty-some-odd names that suddenly appeared in the database overnight.

Just like no one noticed a sixteen year old Egyptian in a menacing purple cloak steal a friggin' boat! Ha!

I'm so diabolical.

. . .

Captain's Log. Mother-effing Day 1.

I was practicing for the tournament earlier. Jeez, I haven't played this game in forever.

You probably don't know anything about Duel Monsters, do you? Well, you _are_ just a book . . .

I'm going to explain it to you anyway!

I know how to play Duel Monsters because everyone in my clan had to learn it. Something something ancient traditions. Because it's a children's card game that has roots in Ancient Egypt. Apparently, the Old Kings played this game.

You heard me right.

How difficult is it to translate Ancient Egyptian into Japanese? Because I don't think the rules for this game were translated properly. This game is friggin' stupid.

. . .

Captain's Log. Date: Don't even ask.

-My Awesome Evil Plan of Awesome-

Step 1: Challenge the Pharaoh to a card game.

Step 2: Defeat him in a card game.

Step 3: Rub it in his stupid face.

Step 4: Show him the scars on my back and monologue about my past and quest for vengeance.

Step 5: Take his Millennium Puzzle. (This is important.)

Step 6: Kill him(?) Laugh maniacally(?) Blow something up(?) Gloat(?)

Maybe I can brainwash him and make him my personal slave!

I'll work out the details later.

. . .

Captain's Log. Date: Frig if I know anymore.

Something I forgot to write in my outline: Find out where my meddling sister hid that Obelisk card, since it's kind of essential to my plan and everything.

Speaking of Ishizu, she took a friggin' plane to Domino City! She's been there for, like, a week already! Why the hell didn't I think of a plane?! A plane would have been SO much better.

. . .

Captain's Log. Date: I think this is my second day?

BOATS ARE A STUPID MEANS OF TRAVEL.

It's been _forever! _Why aren't we there yet?

I'M SO BORED!

. . .

Captain's Log. Later on my second day.

I'm getting seasick now . . .

FML.

. . .

Captain's Log. Date: Today.

Friggin' Rare Hunters.

This isn't a diary! _It's a Captain's Log!_

Diaries are for girls! Diaries are for writing about kittens and clouds and unicorns and that sort of thing!

This is simply a daily-ish log in which I describe the illegal and very EVIL plans that I devise.

It is entirely different from a diary!

Come to think of it, I've written some pretty incriminating stuff in here . . .

_Shit!_

. . .

Captain's Log. This is my FOURTH day on the boat.

This boat called FRIGGIN' MISERY.

Anyway, I decided to do something constructive. And by constructive I mean taking control of one of my minions and introducing myself to my nemesis, the Pharaoh. I was all "Remember my name!" It was great.

Wait a minute . . .

I'm starting to wonder if it was the best idea to tell him what my name is.

Meh. I'm sure it won't come back to bite me.

Dammit! I should have told him my name was Malik.

. . .

Captain's Log, stardate 51714.5.

Hehe. Star Trek is for nerds.

Which I am not! I totally don't watch that show.

That show is lame.

Lame like that Seeker guy. He couldn't beat the Pharaoh, so I sent Arkana to do it. Fed him some BS about bringing his dead girlfriend back.

Haha, I can't believe he bought that! Like, how would I even do that? Cause I have no friggin' clue.

Sure, my Millennium Rod can do lots of things. Like brainwash and control people's minds, even so far as erasing their memory and messing with their perception of reality. But I can't bring people back from the dead! That's just silly.

. . .

Captain's Log. Date: What's even the point anymore?

I hate this boat. So. Friggin'. Much.

Forget about what I said about boats being sexy. Boats are no longer sexy!

Jets. Really fast jets. Those are sexy.

. . .

Captain's Log. I really can't keep track of dates here, so I'm just going to skip that part from now on. Not that I was really doing that to begin with, but whatever.

Arkana lost. Surprised? I'm not.

I took control of him to talk to the Pharaoh again. Actually, his vessel this time. I told him a little bit about who I was, you know, standard procedure. I figured it would cut down the stuff I have to monologue about when I defeat him. Eventually.

. . .

**THIS DIARY HAS TOO MANY KITTENS ON IT AND NOT ENOUGH SEVERED LIMBS.**

. . .

What the—

WHEN THE HELL DID I WRITE THAT?

. . .

Captain's Log.

I'm starting to freak the F out here.

Is it normal to have these strange black-out moments? Or feel like there's always another person in the room with you, even if you're sure you're alone?

I think I'm going to start sleeping with the lights on.

. . .

**HAHA! YOU HAVE A NIGHTLIGHT. YOU'RE SUCH A BABY.**

Hey! Shut up, um . . . me?

Look, I don't know who you are, but stop writing in my diary!

I mean Captain's Log.

Curse this un-erasable ink!

**YOU COULD JUST SCRATCH IT OUT.**

But that will make the page look all ugly.

**. . .**

. . .

Captain's Log.

I took control of a mime! Because mimes are almost as evil as mysterious cloaked men who want to take over the world.

**TAKING OVER THE WORLD WASN'T IN THE OUTLINED PLAN YOU HAD EARLIER.**

Well, it is now.

Honestly, I might as well. If I'm going to all this trouble to defeat the Pharaoh and claim his power as my own, then why not use it to take over the world? I'll have plenty of free time once this revenge business is over with.

**YOU NEED TO GET A HOBBY.**

Shut up, me.

. . .

Captain's Log.

I'M STILL ON THIS DAMN BOAT.

GOD, THIS IS TAKING WAY TOO LONG.

I WANT TO MURDER SOMETHING.

I'M SO SICK OF BLUE WATER AND BLUE SKY, AND WAVES, AND BIRDS.

THOSE EFFING BIRDS.

ALL THEY DO IS SQUAWK AND POOP, AND SWOOP DOWN AT ME, AND ONE GOT TANGLED IN MY HAIR.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TERRIFYING IT IS HAVING A FRIGGIN' ALBATROSS IN YOUR HAIR, FLAPPING AND PECKING AT YOU?

NOT TO MENTION THE HUMILIATION. ALL THE RARE HUNTERS LAUGHED AT ME!

I WANT OFF THIS MOTHER-EFFING BOAT!

. . .

Captain's Log.

Well, my duel with the Pharaoh is over!

I lost . . .

**YOU SUCK AT THIS GAME.**

In my defense, he totally cheated.

. . .

Captain's Log.

I'M OFF THE BOAT! YES!

LAND! SWEET, SWEET LAND!

When I finish the Pharaoh, I'm going to burn that boat. I'm going to burn it and watch it sink to the depths of the sea. And then I will urinate on the charred remains drifting on the surface where it once was, and I will laugh. Evilly.

**THEN HOW WILL YOU GET BACK HOME?**

DAMMIT!

. . .

Captain's Log.

I hate humanity.

Seriously, I'm this close to becoming a cliche villain who wants to destroy the world for no definite reason. Because I really, really want to destroy the world right now. Except, I have a reason. His name is Bakura.

I should just do that. Why would I want to rule the world, anyway? I can barely manage my army of mind slaves, how the frig am I supposed to keep the world under my control? I can't brainwash everyone!

. . . Or can I? Hm. I should explore this possibility.

. . .

Captain's Log.

**WHY DO YOU KEEP WRITING "CAPTAIN'S LOG" WHEN YOU'RE NOT ON THE BOAT ANYMORE?**

_Shut the hell up!_

Anyway, I was meaning to elaborate on my last entry. See, I was on my way to kidnap Yugi's friends and duel the Pharaoh. You know, typical day. Then this asshole jumps in front of my motorcycle and tries to get me to hand over my Millennium Rod.

_I could've died!_

And then I tried to figure out who he was and what he was on about, and he was just so mean! I even introduced myself, _trying_ to be nice, and he's all, "I don't care." So rude!

**HE'S SEXY.**

_What?!_

What the hell?!

**YOU THOUGHT IT TOO.**

I did not!

**WE SHARE A MIND. WE'RE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME PERSON, YOU CAN'T REALLY LIE TO ME.**

. . . I hate you.

**SEE? I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO WRITE THAT.**

Hmph.

. . .

Captain's Log.

So, Bakura was being annoying. I tried to take control of his mind.

It didn't work.

**EXPLAIN JUST HOW BADLY IT DIDN'T WORK.**

No.

**BUT IT'S SO FUNNY!**

I forgot he was just the spirit, okay?

**I'M GONNA TELL IT IF YOU DON'T.**

For future reference, mind control only works on the hosts.

**HE BITCH-SLAPPED YOU REAL GOOD, DIDN'T HE?**

I'm going to need to tear out all the pages regarding Bakura later on . . .

. . .

Captain's Log.

Success! So far!

In that I successfully gained the trust of Yugi's friends, and now they are under my control. Now I just have to wait for the Pharaoh to find me so that I can duel him!

You know, it's kind of annoying that I have to duel him before I can actually kill him . . . oh well.

Now I play the waiting game.

. . .

**THIS GAME SUCKS MORE THAN YOUR SKILLS IN DUEL MONSTERS.**

Why is this taking so friggin' long?!

**MAYBE THE PHARAOH GOT HIS ROYAL ASS LOST.**

. . .

Captain's Log.

The duel with the Pharaoh went . . . not as I'd hoped.

**YOU LOST. AGAIN . . .**

New plan!

. . .

Captain's Log.

Alright! This is my new plan!

I'll enter the Battle City Semi-Finals under the guise of Namu with Bakura and Odion, who will be pretending to be me.

**WHY IS BAKURA COMING?**

Because! He is essential to the plan!

**HOW SO?**

He'll be able to convince Yugi and his friends that Odion is the villain, in order to take suspicion away from me. (Why did I think it was a good idea to tell them my name?!)

**YOU JUST WANT BAKURA TO TAG ALONG.**

I'm not going to respond to that.

**IT'S OKAY, I ALREADY KNOW THE TRUTH.**

. . .

Captain's Log.

It's a good thing I created this fake Winged Dragon of Ra card and this fake Millennium Rod. Who knew they would end up being so useful in this new plan of mine?

I just did it because I was bored.

. . .

Captain's Log.

So, I projected myself into Bakura's dream last night. Cause I can do that. (Trust me, figuring that out was really awkward the first time around.)

I told him my new brilliant plan!

He didn't like it.

He agreed to do it anyway, so it's all good.

But he had the nerve to accuse me of feeling him up when I was pretending to be Namu and dragging his injured body to Yugi's friends! And I totally did not do that!

**THAT WAS ME.**

I wish you had a physical body of your own so that I could tear you apart.

**THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.**

. . . _What?_

. . .

Captain's Log.

I didn't get to duel in the first round.

Duels are normally really long and boring to watch, but this one was okay.

I got to pester Bakura the whole time.

It was funny.

. . .

Captain's Log.

Odion and Yugi's friend are going to duel next.

Odion has the fake Rod and the fake god card.

I'm going to take the real Rod with me when I go watch the duel.

No one will suspect anything, because I'll be standing a few feet away from them and holding the Rod behind my back.

**YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.**

I know!

**YOU'RE AN IDIOT.**

**AT LEAST ODION HAS THE FAKE RA CARD. IF HE PLAYS IT, THEN IT'LL BE MY TURN.**

What are you talking about?

**OH, NOTHING. **

. . .

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

. . .

Friggin' hell.

* * *

**So, this was just some random nonsense I wrote in a few hours. I haven't had much time or energy to devote to my other stories, but this thing demanded to be written. If you liked it, I would love to know. Aaaand now time for sleep.**


End file.
